The Life We've Chosen
by Irose2be
Summary: My ramblings on what happened after the mission in 3x14 "The Life We've Chosen"
1. Chapter 1

**Felt the need to write this because I am entirely unhappy with the way 3x14 ended and how Alex seems to be ready to turn against Nikita once again. My first attempt to write a story of any sort so please be kind. Feedback and constructive criticism is always welcome, but please be nice. :)**

He was on his way down to medical to check on Alex before he would make his way down to face Nikita's wrath. He knew it would anger her that he kept the kill chip a secret, but her temporary anger at him was worth it. He'd endure anything if it meant keeping her safe. His thoughts were interrupted though, as he heard another voice float down the hallway towards him: Sean. His pace slowed as he picked up on what was being said,

"You had my back…Nikita didn't," he heard Alex say, her voice steady and sure.

Michael was surprised that he deciphered more bitterness and anger in her tone rather than sadness or disappointment. He didn't want to hear what else she had to say. He changed direction before he would be seen by the two and headed to find Nikita, his thoughts racing. _Not again. After everything Nikita has done for her? She can't possibly be turning her back on Nikita for the second time…This would destroy her. _The conversation he'd overheard infuriated him. He loved Alex like a daughter, but his loyalty would always be with Nikita. No matter what Alex said or believed, Nikita turned Alex's life around, and as much as Nikita liked to proclaim she could never be mother material, Nikita would do anything, including giving her life to protect Alex, and would never turn her back on her, even if she might deserve it. That was just Nikita: selfless. Always wanting to help, and always being hurt by those she loves the most.

He found her in the training room, taking her anger about the failed mission out on an unfortunate punching bag. The room was empty, except for her, and he couldn't help stopping a few paces behind her just to watch her. She was strong, and she was beautiful, and she was caring…Too caring. And as ridiculous as the thought was, she was his. His daydreaming, however, was interrupted as Nikita tensed, and without warning turned and took a swing right at his face. But Michael was fast, and managed to move out of the way just in time. Nikita stopped just as she was about to throw another punch when she saw who she was about to hit,

"Damn it, Michael! Don't sneak up on me like that," she scolded, fire still burning deep in her brown eyes. The mission was still eating away at her.

"Sneak up on you?" He asked, his voice taking on a tone very close to teasing. "I think you might be losing your edge," He'd meant to make her laugh, maybe even earn one of her trademark arrogant smirks coupled with a biting comeback about how many times she'd beaten him at sparring in the past. But instead, her face fell, a sadness replaced the fire in her eyes, and she said nothing as she cast her eyes downward to slowly remove her boxing gloves, a tense quiet filling the room. _Nice job, Michael. Really clever thing to say following this mission, _he thought to himself.

"Hey," He said, gently grabbing her arm and turning her to face him. Her eyes remained cast downward, defeated. "This wasn't your fault. There's nothing you could have done differently. Ari's death was not your fault." Finally, she met his gaze,

"I know that, Michael…Why didn't you tell me about the kill chip?" She demanded, her voice slow and controlled, rage quietly brewing just beneath the surface. His hands dropped to release her arms,

"You wouldn't have listened," was all he could reply.

"So you kept me out of the loop?" She yelled incredulously.

"It wasn't my call, but for the record, I think Ryan was right. This mission was risky and we could've lost everything," He paused, finally admitting to her what he'd been wanting to from the start, "_I_ could have lost everything." She met his gaze then, and he watched as she walked towards him, the anger slowly leaving her eyes as she closed the gap between them and met his gaze, her voice taking on a softer tone,

"Michael, you can't keep things like that from me. We failed this mission because you and Ryan kept this secret from me. And we did _fail_ this mission. I don't care what Ryan says or how happy he is to have that black box back. This isn't the same Division we used to work for, remember? We don't keep secrets from each other. Any of us. But especially you and I." While he didn't completely agree with her assessment of why they failed the mission, he paused as her statement did manage to spark memories of the conversation between Alex and Sean, _"You had my back…Nikita didn't."_ Nikita's brow furrowed, confused by his silence. He quickly recovered though, buying time while he decided how, or if he would tell Nikita what he'd overheard,

"No, you failed the mission because Alex left you. We risked everything to rescue her and she left the team when we needed her most," he chose to reply instead, watching her face carefully, trying to read her expression. Nikita let out a low sigh, her head shaking slowly in disagreement as she said, "She did what she thought she needed to do." Classic Nikita, always refusing to see flaws in those she loves or admit when they've done anything wrong.

"Nikita…" he began, but was interrupted as she reached up to draw his lips down to hers, meeting in a soft kiss that was much too brief for his liking,

"I don't want to talk about it anymore. Take me home?" She asked sweetly as she looked into his eyes, her gaze warm and inviting, her arms wrapping around his neck to draw him back to her soft lips once more, cleverly distracting Michael from his line of questioning about Alex._ Damn it,_ he thinks. She knew what she was doing. Knew the second she turned to look at him with those eyes, full of nothing but love and acceptance for him, he would do whatever she asked without hesitation. He opens his mouth, debating whether or not to force himself to continue talking about Alex, but decides to shut up about it instead and not ruin the moment. There was an honest happiness in her eyes that he didn't want to take away just yet. It wasn't there often, and he loved every time it made its' appearance. The news about Alex could wait.

"Always," He replied after a moment, smiling as he tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear, inwardly rolling his eyes at himself at how easily he could be deterred by Nikita. He leaned forward to kiss the top of her head as he placed his arm around her shoulder, hers moving to encircle his waist as they walked out of the training room together. Though he allowed himself to enjoy having Nikita content and in his arms for the moment, he couldn't stop her words from creeping annoyingly into the back of his mind, _"We don't keep secrets from each other."_

Sadness engulfed him_. _Her happiness wouldn't last. He had to tell her about Alex.


	2. Chapter 2

**Hello, friends! Thank you so much to those of you who reviewed/favorited/followed. You are all so kind. Apologies for the delayed update. And extra apologies for any typos there way be. I may or may not have finished writing this at 4am. ;) **

The bitter wind lashed at her cheeks as her feet pounded the wet cement; her footsteps sounded deafening as they echoed in the dead of night. Her breath was rough, her ribs ached and every muscle in her body burned with exhaustion, begging for relief, but she didn't care. She reveled in the pain. Pain was an easy emotion. Clear cut. No confusion about it. Even as the cold and heavy rain drops drenched her completely, she pushed forward. She had no idea where she was running too, but she knew she couldn't go back home to Michael. Not yet. She ended up near Alex's apartment. She hadn't intended on confronting her when she bolted out of the house after talking with Michael, but somehow she ended up there anyway. She glanced up a few stories to her window, trying to see if there was any sign of movement. She thought she detected a faint flicker of light, possibly from one of the candles Nikita knew Alex liked to burn late at night. She told her once that when she was a child, her mother used to always light one before putting her to sleep and to this day it still has the same calming and comforting effect on her. She walked the few steps up to the door and paused with her hand on the door knob…

* * *

_She sat at the kitchen table, her chin resting in her hands as she watched Michael make his way around the kitchen. They'd come home late from Division that night, and while she knew Michael was exhausted from the long day, he still insisted on staying up to cook for her. Well, since she had him here… _

"_Out with it." _

"_I'm sorry?" Michael did his best to feign innocence._

"_What's going on with you? You've been acting differently the past few days. Is something going on?"_

_He glanced at her, his eyes lingering on hers for a few seconds before dropping to the floor and then back to what he was doing. His lips lifted in a half smile that seemed suspiciously guilty to Nikita. _

_"It's nothing. I'm just worried about you. I know things have been different between you and Ryan after the last mission. He cleared his throat quietly, "And Alex. When was the last time you talked to her?" _

_She stared at him intently and stood, her chair making a loud scraping sound across the floor ____in the uncomfortable silence that followed_ as she pushed back from the table. She walked directly over to him, stopping at his side, her hand resting on the kitchen counter top as she tapped her finger impatiently.

_Her eyes narrowed at him when he refused to meet her gaze, and instead kept his eyes fixed on the stove in front of him. _

_"Why do you seem nervous?" she accused.  
_

_His mouth opened slightly, a small intake of breath, and when he looked into her eyes she saw the conflicting emotions cross his face and she thought for sure he was finally going to tell her what he'd been keeping from her. But instead, he recovered. Quickly rearranging his facial expressions, his eyes becoming more playful as he finally turned to face her, eyebrow lifting as he leaned in to place a firm, none to innocent kiss at the base of her neck._

_ "Maybe you make me nervous."_

_ She barely heard him. The words muffled against her neck as his lips continued their journey up her neck; his arms wrapping around her lower back, pulling her against his chest. At the same time that her eyes closed and she leaned her head back to give him better access, she also briefly considered punching him, irritated beyond belief that he was trying, (and succeeding, she thought bitterly), to dodge her inevitable oncoming interrogation. But her complaints slipped to the back of her mind as she felt his hands wandering down her back and her sides, moving to lift her up so she was sitting on the counter. Her legs wrapped around his waist, her arms around his neck as he leaned in slowly to capture her upper lip. He continued to explore her. Her hands were laced in his hair as she felt his tongue make its' way into their next passionate kiss. His hands began to wander dangerously down her stomach, resting on the button of her jeans when, through their irresponsible haze of lust, Nikita detected the faint smell of smoke. Her hands pushed roughly against Michaels' chest, pushing him away from her so she could jump down and turn the stove off, fanning the smoke away with a near by oven mitt. When most of the smoke had cleared, she wheeled on him, furious. _

"_Tell me the truth, Michael! No more distractions." He sighed; feeling defeated as he grabbed her hand and led her to sit down at the table. _

_There was a moment of careful silence as he seemed to be slowly considering how to say whatever it was he needed to say. _

"_Listen, when you and Alex came back from the mission I overheard her speaking with Sean." Nikita rolled her eyes. Annoyed._

"_You were eavesdropping on them?" _

"_No," She raised her eyebrows disbelievingly at him, but he continued, "Not intentionally anyway. I was going to check up on her…" He paused. Delaying what he needed to say, not wanting to see Nikita's reaction._

"_And?" She asked._

"_And they were talking about you." He sighed, glancing up to see her brow furrow in confusion and her head tilt slightly. _

"_Michael. What did she say?" Michael was somewhat relieved to see her look worried. She'd been trying so hard the past few days to convince herself that Alex just needed time to work things out; that she wasn't holding anything that happened on that mission against Nikita. That it wasn't personal. But her worried expression told him deep down she knew something was wrong the whole time. Maybe this wouldn't be as much of a shock to her as he'd thought. He took her hands into his own, his thumb rubbing comfortingly back and forth across the top of her hand._

_He stared at the pattern his thumb was tracing across her hand as he said, _

"_She doesn't trust you. She thinks you weren't there for her and only have your own interests in mind. Look, she's just a kid. I don't think she truly believes that deep down. Give it some time. I think she'll come around,"_

_When Michael was finally able to meet her eyes, what he saw worried him more than he thought it would. He suspected maybe he would see anger, pain, betrayal, or maybe even regret? But instead her face was blank. Emotionless. It was Nikita at her most dangerous. He knew if he let her pull too far into that abyss, it would be a very difficult task to bring her back. He'd seen her go through these phases before when she was a recruit. It was her way of dealing with everything that was wrong in her life. He needed to fix this. But before he could say anything else, she stood, her hands slipping from his own as she walked out of the kitchen, and down the hallway, making her way to the door and began to put her boots and jacket on. _

"_Nikita!" He pleaded as he followed her. Her hand was already on the door handle as he grabbed her arm and attempted to turn her to face him,_

"_Nikita, where are you going?" His face was anxious, worried. Again, he wished he could see some sign of emotion in her eyes when she turned half way and looked up at him. Maybe anger, grief, anything… but instead he saw nothing as she simply said, _

"_Let me go." And she disappeared into the night. _

* * *

When she got up to Alex's floor she saw that her door was slightly ajar. She thought briefly about how such a sight normally would have raised an enormous amount of fear within her, but she just couldn't bring herself to be that concerned. She was far too exhausted, mentally and physically to expend anymore of her energy on worrying about her. She'd spent the better part of the last few years worrying about her and taking care of her. She opened the door and walked into Alex's apartment. What she saw surprised her. All the furniture, all the decorations, everything, every sign of Alex had been cleared out except for a small desk which was left alone, situated in the center of the living room, a single candle flickering wearily in its' center. As she neared the desk she noticed an envelope with her name written across it in Alex's small, flowing handwriting. She turned the envelope over in her hands, opening it and taking out what was inside. A small piece of scented paper slid into her hands,

"_I'm tired of fighting for your revenge. It's time for me to fight for my own. You'll see me again. Maybe I can even teach you a few things this time, Sensei." –Alex. _

She stared at her words for awhile, contemplating them silently, before she put the letter back in the envelope and held it over what was left of the slowly fading flicker of candle light. She watched thoughtfully as the envelope blackened, the fire slowly spreading to engulf each letter of her name. She walked towards one of the windows and opened it, resting her elbows on the windowsill. As she looked up into the night sky, raindrops trickling down her face, she let the letter go. She stood there leaning over the windowsill for awhile, thinking, while letting the wind and rain whirl in around her. Her thoughts were interrupted however by her phone ringing in her drenched jacket pocket. She sighed, standing up fully and shutting the window. She picked up without bothering to check the caller ID. It was probably Michael. She'd ignored several of his calls on her way over there.

"What?" She answered.

"Nikita, we have a serious situation." It was Ryan. She breathed in deeply, exhausted.

"Of course we do. What is it now?"

"It's Alex. Birkoff grabbed some footage from some street cams in Russia. It looks like she's with Amanda." Silence.

"And by that I mean working with Amanda." Still, she said nothing.

"Nikita? Are you there?"

She had been willing to let it go. Accept that Alex no longer wanted to be a part of her life. Let her do whatever she wanted and not care. Accept her little rebellion for what it was and move on. She had been planning on letting herself feel empty, apathetic, instead of harboring bad feelings. It was easier to deal. But now? Now she was angry. She strode towards the door,

"I'm on my way," and as the door slammed behind her, the candle gave one final flicker and burned out.


End file.
